By Malikai - sent via email.


Consider the following dialogue between two men. “You’re frigid”, he said. “Frigid?” I said. “Yeah, you’re frigid”, he said. One could be forgiven for assuming that the participants in that conversation were two quarrelling lovers, but sadly, it was me and one of my closest friends and was in response to my asking him why he thought I didn’t make a very good gay man, why we were so different.  While I welcome and respect the opinions my friends, I completely disagreed with this one and I shall tell you why.  

The word frigid is defined online by the Oxford Dictionaries as “(of a woman) unable to be sexually aroused and responsive” and by Cambridge Dictionaries Online as “(of a woman) having difficulty in becoming sexually aroused”. Interestingly, there is no mention of the adjective being used to describe a man’s sexual capabilities. Now, regardless of the amount of contact it has with another human being,  I do still have a penis and the last time I had sex before ‘that’ conversation, I had no trouble becoming (or staying aroused) nor did I have any trouble being responsive. So with those factors in mind, I took my friend’s comment with a pinch of salt.  

However, in the years that have followed, there have been several occasions when guys have questioned my sexual history and most, if not all, have been puzzled by the fact that I have chosen to abstain from sex for most of my adult life, the longest period being five years. The fact of the matter is simply that I do not feel the need (or have the want) to have endless sexual encounters. Not because I think there is anything wrong with promiscuity, but because it’s just not for me. If I am as handsome as I am told (and perhaps even if I am not), I am pretty sure I could get laid as easily and as regularly as the next fella but I choose not to. That is the choice I make and it is a choice that does nobody any harm.

Now, what I would like to know is why so many gay men bang on about having their life choices respected and yet when other gay men live outside the gay ‘stereotype’, they don’t receive the same level of respect that they are expected to give to the gay men that are *ahem* banging? I ask this because for as long as the sex doesn’t involve children and is consensual (so all animals are excluded) and for as long as it doesn’t impact negatively on anyone else’s life, I honestly don’t give a fuck what people get up to. If someone wants to fuck three different people in one night, good for them. If they want to go to a sauna and take part in an eight person orgy, good for them. If they want to play with shit or be pissed on, good for them. If they want to dress up as a panda bear and get (consensually) gang raped by two squirrels, three sea horses and a free range hen in acting out a fantasy role-play, good for them.

If, however, they choose not to conform to the sexual stereotypes that are adopted by gay men, that’s also good for them. My point is that I respect the sexual choices other gay men make but, oddly, a lot of gay men I have met have not afforded my choice not to hop from one cock to another the same level of respect. Correct me if I’m wrong but does that not smack of hypocrisy?

Could it be however that I am wrong and that I am supposed to do what men are biologically programmed to do and fuck, fuck, fuck? Perhaps, perhaps not.  Whichever it is, does my choice make me any less gay?  

Surely if we want to be treated as equals, we must first treat each other as equals? As @mrseras stated in his article in the April issue of FS “...let’s stop judging other people for the choices they want to make.”  


Do you have an opinion you’d like to share in FS? Maybe you’d like to have a rant about gay life? Email us at fsmag@gmfa.org.uk and tell us what you’d like to talk about. 


This article is from FS magazine #150

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