By Matt* 24 from Brighton
Photo © www.flickr.com/eddus


"My boyfriend just raped me" were the words I thought I’d never say, but it’s those exact words I had to mutter to my best friend down the phone one sobering morning. 

It all happened after we had a fight; it was over nothing which makes it seem silly. We argued for an hour or so. We were getting nowhere and I told him to leave me alone. He grabbed his coat and left. 

It was about 2am when I heard him come back in the flat. He was drunk and stumbling around the kitchen. After a while he came into the bedroom. I pretended to be asleep as I didn’t want to deal with him. 

He got undressed and climbed into bed. I felt his hand on my back. He started to rub his hand up and down my side and went to grab my dick. I hit his hand away. He went in again to grab it and I told him to stop. He then pushed my head into the pillow, pulled down my boxers. 

At this point I was yelling and trying to get him off me. He’s much bigger than me and weighs about two stone more. I couldn’t move him. The next thing I knew he was inside me. He didn’t use lube or a condom and it was painful. It lasted for about five minutes. After he was finished he rolled over and fell asleep. I didn’t know what to do so just pulled up my boxers and laid there for hours. 

The next morning he acted like nothing had happened. He got up, made some breakfast and sat on the couch watching TV for hours. I got up and took a shower. I felt so dirty that I scrubbed my skin so much I was leaving red marks all over my arms. 

Later on in the day, after he had left for work, I called my best friend to tell her about what happened. I muttered out the words “he raped me last night” and started to cry. After about ten minutes of sobbing I was asked: “How can a man rape another man, I just don’t get it. Surely you can just stop him, right?” I tried to explain what happened but all she wanted to do was make excuses for him. “He didn’t know what he was doing. He was drunk and horny, this was his way of saying sorry.” Excuses after excuses. I was left a little stumped. Either she thought I was making a big deal out of nothing or didn’t know how to deal with the information I was giving her. We ended the conversation fairly quickly and I haven’t really talked to her since.

Later that evening when he came home, I was sitting in the dark. He came in and I told him to sit down. He asked me what was wrong and I asked him if he remembered what happened last night. He said no. I told him what happened and he laughed. “I didn’t rape you, you fool. We had sex.” I said: “no you raped me. I didn’t want to have sex. I tried to stop you but you fucked me.” He looked at me and said: “Babe, I think this is all in your head. I think you’re still angry with me and making this up. You’d better not tell anyone about this or I will be very angry. I don’t need you making up shit about me.”

I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t talk to my friends about it. I couldn’t talk to my family about it. It felt like because we are both men that no-one would listen to me. I started to think maybe I did make it up. Maybe I was asking for it. I thought that maybe he had a right to have sex with me and I just had to deal with this. That this was my issue and I had to just let it go. 

A couple of months have passed and we’ve broken up. I eventually left him. Not because he raped me but because we just weren’t working out any more. It was only in the last few weeks that I’ve had the courage to deal with this. I’m in contact with a counsellor with a men’s abuse service. It’s been very helpful and we’re making plans to deal with the after-effects of what happened. 

I’m not sure what will happen but all I can say is that I’m not going to ‘let this go’. I was raped, I didn’t ‘ask for it’. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a man or a woman, gay or straight, no-one deserves to be raped.


*name has been changed


SUPPORT

If you are affected by Matt’s story then please get in contact with a support group. 

Rape Crisis – support for men and boys affected by rape and/or abuse. Tel: 0808 802 9999. Lines open 12 - 3pm and 7pm - 9.30pm. 

Survivors UK – provides a dedicated helpline and service for men. Call: 020 3598 3898. 

Broken Rainbow – A national LGBT domestic violence helpline providing confidential support to all members of the LGBT communities. The helpline is run by trained LGBT people and provides a space where you can talk through what is going on and explore your options. They can:

  • help you create your safety plan.
  • provide confidential information, advice and support.
  • explore options around housing, legal advice, counselling and local support groups.
  • tell you about your local LGBT friendly services.
  • discuss the possibility of reporting to the Police.

Call 0300 999 5428 or email help@brokenrainbow.org.uk


RAPE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT

It’s important to remember that you have the right to agree to, or refuse, any type of sex with any adult. You also have the right to change your mind at any point if you have agreed to something but then choose not to do it. If you get into a situation where you feel that your partner is not respecting your rights to refuse any type of sex, or is trying to get you to do something after you’ve told him that you don’t want to do it, get out of that situation immediately – even if it happens in your own home or with your regular partner.

If you get raped, there are some things you may want to do. Both male rape and sexual assault are illegal. Whether or not you report your attack to the police is a personal decision that only you can make.

The police have made considerable progress in recent years in responding to reports of male sexual assault and if you decide to report the attack it is their duty to listen and respond appropriately. You will get access to counsellors and advisers as part of the police process and, as the crime is reported, the person who raped you may be prosecuted. 

If you are HIV-negative and you are put at risk of HIV transmission during the attack, you may want to consider accessing PEP. You will need to do this within 72 hours of the attack, but the earlier you access PEP, the more likely it is to be successful.

The Ambrose King Centre is a GUM clinic that has a specialist service for men who have been sexually assaulted. They can be contacted on 020 7377 7306.

For more information, visit www.gmfa.org.uk/rape.


This article was taken from FS issue 146. 

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